Belly Laugh of the Day: Literary Bar Jokes

For the overeducated. (Well, it made me laugh.)

[via No-Sword]

My Dream Man

Last night, I had an unusual dream. (Just that fact that I remembered it when I woke made it unusual, but there's more to it than that.) I dreamt that I met my perfect mate.

I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that the dream man had all of the qualities that I've found irresistible in the past. He differed primarily in being clearly interested in me. I was thrilled to meet him, was immediately attracted emotionally and physically. The sensation was: "At last!"

But, in my dream, when I embraced my dream man for the first time, the thought that popped into my head was: "But what about AF?" And I couldn't just shrug it off by saying, "But this is my dream man! Come on!"

AF is not my dream man. He isn't. He's a real person, with flaws, and frustrating qualities, and real differences of opinion with me about important stuff. I have no idea whether we have the basis for a long-term relationship or not. On the face of it, I'd say no. But I'm not sure about that.

But in my dream I couldn't just run off with the guy, that Mr. Right. It wasn't just that I was worried about hurting AF, although I was. It was that I couldn't dismiss the relationship, that it had enough importance and value to be a real impediment to starting up with my dream man.

When I told the guy in my dream about AF, he looked at me sadly and said, "I should have known that someone like you would have a serious boyfriend."

I guess I do. I have a serious boyfriend. I'm the kind of woman who has a serious boyfriend.

You could knock me over with a feather.

What I Learned

Six months ago I began an experiment, having burnt out on web design and development and hoping to be able to find work that wouldn't use up my creative energies. I began waiting on tables.

I learned that servers generally work really hard. At a moderately-priced restaurant, if business is good they are lucky to wind up with $10 an hour. They have to be good at multitasking, pattern recognition, and social interaction. I have true respect for the ones who do their job well and work as a team with their colleagues.

Waiting on tables is physically very tiring. If you're running around a lot, it's tiring. If you're standing around the time goes really slowly and it's even more tiring. Maybe there are a few people who can work shifts in a restaurant and then go home and be productive creatively ~ but I'm not one of them.

If you work dinner, it's hard to see your friends. If you don't work dinner, it's hard to make enough money to survive.

I learned that, for the most part, people are astoundingly picky and stingy. At an inexpensive restaurant, a 15% percent tip is a pretty miserable thing. Please folks, kick in an extra few dollars and make it 20%. If you pay by credit card, please consider leaving the tip in cash. And if you sit at a table for more than an hour during a busy time, leave a little extra. If the table doesn't turn over, the server gets hosed.

For god's sake, don't go to a restaurant and sit there drinking water and eating a Slim Fast bar, okay? (This happened to me today.) Or say "Keep the change!" with a big smile when leaving ten dollars on a $9.85 bill. (That happened yesterday.)

If you ask for half-decaf half-caffeinated coffee you will get whatever it is most convenient for your server to pour.

Don't put your fruit (lemon wedge or whatever) in your drink. Squeeze it and put in on your plate. You don't know where that lemon has been, and odds are it wasn't washed.

If you have a special request or six, for heaven's sake mention them all at once. Don't make your server go to the kitchen six times for your side of this and that.

I learned that a dollar still is worth something, and that cash is more like real money to our monkey-brains than payment by plastic. Want to better understand your relationship to money? Try dealing all in cash for a month.

I learned that I would rather spend four hours doing web design than 40 waiting on tables.

I learned that I have enough residual ambition to eventually make me resent utterly mind-numbing work.

I learned that I am burdened with enough pride to be embarrassed when people who I knew professionally found me waiting on tables.

I learned that most managers suck. It never fails to amaze me how rare good management is. If you are a good manager (in any field), you are performing an incredibly valuable service to society.

I learned again that I have wonderful and large-hearted friends, who supported and respected me all through my experiment, and never treated me like a big fat loser even when I've felt like one.

I think that in six months I learned everything there was for me to learn about waiting on tables.

Today was my last shift.